


hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have

by Yumoh



Series: Familia [7]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Gen, Heavy Angst, Mental Health Issues, Sibling Bonding, Suicidal Thoughts, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, post season one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 08:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18149426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yumoh/pseuds/Yumoh
Summary: They are back in the past to try to fix Vanya. But Vanya is falling apart at a faster and faster rate.





	hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have

**Author's Note:**

> Me writing more angst for my favorite character? It is more likely than you think. This builds off of Nobody and Atom bomb but you don't have to read them.

 

They were back in the past. That was a fact that came later for Vanya who had been unconscious before they had apparently traveled back to when they were 13. That of course was after she destroyed the world, forcing them to have to go back. At first, she hadn't been aware of all this. When she awoke, three days after they had leaped into the past, it was to her old childhood room. But the sight of it was wrong like all of this shouldn’t be here anymore but her memories were too fuzzy to remember clearly quite what was happening. She couldn't remember how she ended up back in her old bedroom and when exactly she had fallen asleep. Her head was pounding and her throat was really dry so she decided to go to the bathroom. Vanya swung her legs out of bed and walked to the bathroom. It was still very early morning as Mom was still plugged into her charging station and the light was just starting to peep through the windows. 

 

She hadn't realized anything was wrong until she clapped eyes with herself in the mirror. Gone was the women she was used to seeing in the mirror with her short brown hair and tired eyes. The person in her place was the girl who had died a long time ago with her long brown hair and bangs that she could hide behind. Vanya tried pinching herself, hoping that would somehow get her out of this strange dream that she seemed to be having but to no avail. That was when the panic started to set in as she couldn't believe what was going on and furthermore if this was all true then what would that mean exactly?

 

She instinctively tried to reach into her pockets for her pills but found that the pockets of her nightgown were empty. The pills. Memories began to flood back of the last time she missed her dosages. Those guys from the rest stop. Allison, oh god Allison lying there with so much blood. Leonard, dead after he made her lose control. The cage.  Then all this guilt and sorrow came rushing back but also the rage the kind that made you lose your mind. However the rage didn’t quite belong to her. No, it belonged to  **her** . She looked back in the mirror and for a moment she swore that she could see her eyes flash white. No, she couldn’t afford to lose it all again. Yet the sound of the faucet which always never completely shut off called out with its melodic drip drop drip drop. The mirror exploded in front of her in a million glittering pieces. Vanya had barely enough time to raise her hands to shield her face before they rained down on her. 

 

There was a bit of catharsis that came from using her powers. Vanya had never been able to feel as much as a person should, not with her pills,  but now she felt more than she ever did and it got to be too much. At first it felt wonderful like she was free but now she knew what she could do and she was terrified. Vanya was not ordinary. Vanya was not extraordinary. Vanya was a monster.

 

That is precisely why she couldn’t bring herself to pick herself off the floor as she let out sob after shuddering sob because how could she live with herself. There was glass pressing into her skin and she probably was bleeding but the ache in her chest was worse. 

 

A knock on the door was what finally got her to get up. She tried to act quiet, silently praying it wasn’t her siblings or Pogo because she couldn’t bear to see any of them not after what happened especially since she had no idea if they remembered as well. 

 

“Vanya, sweetie, is that you?” Mom called through the door. 

 

Vanya let out a sigh of relief and said, “Yes, Mom.” 

 

She decided that there was no point to hide out any longer and opened the door, “Hello, Mom.” 

 

Mom of course was the same as always with perfect curls and red lips but instead of her usual sunny smile, her lips were downturned. Vanya felt a guilty pang in her chest as she remember that she had killed Mom when she brought the house down. 

 

“Oh honey! You are covered in glass. Come let me clean you up,” Grace said while tutting and gently leading Vanya to their infirmary. Mom pulled out the first aid kit and began to start to remove all the glass with a pair of tweezers. There was nothing too bad except a gash on her forehead that would need gauze around it.  But the rest merely got off with bandaids. The only thing that Mom seemingly couldn’t fix was the hollow feeling that had settled into her bones. 

 

“Be more careful next time darling. Breakfast will be ready soon so go get dressed” Mom said as she gave her a quick peck on the cheek.

 

Vanya simply nodded before going back to her room. Luckily she made it back without running into anyone else. She dressed slowly in her uniform. It was weird to wear a skirt after all these years of her far more comfortable androgynous style. 

 

She trudged down to the dining table and sat down at the end of the table where she always sat. No one else was present as there was still twenty minutes until breakfast began. The first one to arrive was Father. It was strange to see him, grim as ever, after all these years and alive. There was certainly anger there as she knew that at this moment he knew what she was capable of but would die hiding it from her. She kept her eyes glued to her empty plate, hoping to sink into the floor.

 

But her wish was not granted as he said, “Ah Seven, you have finally joined us after three days, somehow more injured than you began. Your siblings insisted you had fallen and bumped your head on an unscheduled and therefore forbidden outing. Is that factual?”

 

She could feel the pressure of his gaze bearing into her and she didn’t dare look up as she gave a small nod. Vanya listened carefully to his footsteps as he walked over to his record player where he put on another one of his inane lectures on some highly specialized skill, today’s being origami. He took his seat at the head of the table and she knew that she only had minutes before the rest of them started to file in. 

 

The first to walk in was Luther. She didn’t even need to look up to recognize the heavy steps. She felt herself start to shake as she could barely keep herself calm. The last time Luther had been anywhere close to her, he had tried to choke her to death and placed her in the place that was her worst nightmare. 

 

He cleared his throat and said, “Good morning Father. Good morning Vanya.”

 

She was far too frozen to react. All she could do was will the little voice in her head that begged for blood to quiet. But all it did was remind her that she should accept that was what she was designed for.  She bit down on the inside of her cheek to stop herself from answering it back out loud, lest she reveal to the two people who might lock her up that she was losing her mind. 

 

Next came Diego, Five, and Ben as all of them walked in one after the other. She managed to look up from her preferred spot on the floor. Diego's lips were pressed together like he wanted to say something as he sat down next to Luther. Ben kept stealing furtive glances at her but she stared back openly in shock as he was alive somehow.  She managed to tear her gaze away to throw a glance at Five who sat down closest to her. He looked worried but she didn't quite know it was for her or about her yet and she didn't quite care to know which. Vanya went back to keeping her head down and her gaze glued to the floor. 

 

She didn’t look up again until she heard a voice she didn’t think she would hear again. 

 

“Good morning Vanya,” Allison said. Her voice was uncharacteristically shaky like she was on the verge of tears. 

 

Vanya looked up and saw Allison, tear eyed and smiling at her. Why would she smile at the person who nearly killed her? Did she forget that? How could she when Vanya could barely close her eyes without seeing all that blood everywhere and it being all her fault, just like everything was? She couldn’t bear to look anymore and went back to gazing at the floor. Grace came in and served breakfast which was oatmeal with half of grapefruit.  

 

Klaus swaned late as usual. He said, “Sorry I’m late. Would you believe me if I said there was a line to the bathroom?”

 

Father said, “You know the rules about punctuality Four.”

 

“I apologize,” Klaus said, in a long exaggerated drawl. Vanya dared to look at him and Klaus caught her gaze and gave her a soft smile before sitting down next to Ben. 

 

Meal time went as it always did, silent except for the clatter of silverware. The only exception was the stares that she could feel burning into her skull. Vanya had always wanted her siblings’ attention but she never thought that she would have to destroy the world to get it. They had probably already planned out something in the three days that she was out. She shivered at the possibility that they might try to put her back in the cage. Honestly she would rather they choose to kill her instead because all they would have to do is ask and she would do it herself. 

 

The oatmeal in front of her made her stomach turn as her brain supplied old buried memories of nannies who had the misfortune of offering her oatmeal. The cold little girl didn't understand the consequences of making her nannies go away with her powers. She used to be such a good girl, such a good weapon that it all hadn't become clear why it was wrong. Not when Dad looked at her with pride as she was, “his little atom bomb.” That little girl, little weapon, had been stored away in her mind for years and years. Seven didn't like being called ordinary or nothing and slowly began to fester the sort of rage that rotted someone from the inside out. The only thing that kept the voice away was the medicine (poison) and now it was here to stay. Seven who was Vanya but not Vanya demanded her to let her out to play. But Vanya knew that her type of playing involved a body count. This internal struggle was silent as she stabbed her fork into her half a grapefruit, not bothering to even pretend to take a bite. Her appetite had died long ago and she was too sick of herself to fight her aversions. 

 

The second Father called an end to mealtime, she bolted to her room. Vanya knew that if she hesitated she would get bombarded with questions and she was not in the mood for an interrogation. She could only hope that Five would not try to slip into her room because she was nowhere near ready to talk to him about all this. 

 

Vanya quickly shut and locked the door behind her. What she had forgotten was that her morning dosage of her medicine (poison) sat on her dresser with a glass of water. Mom must have left it there during mealtime like she always did in the morning. The red pill sat unassuming on a white napkin yet she was terrified. That pill was thing that robbed her of her powers and feelings.  Vanya had lost so many years and opportunities to the numbness that it incurred. But at the same time, her powers remained unchecked. They were strong enough to destroy the planet and she barely knew how to use them. Should she take it? The voice in her head crackled to life again as it warned against that as she would go back to being Ordinary yet again. She was reminded of the pure power she felt through her veins as White Violin as she had felt heady with emotion as all at once joy, guilt, pride, and rage coursed through her. That rush of emotions is what made that little red pill impossible to swallow as she knew what it would do. 

 

Yet she would have to do something as she was certain that Father had cameras installed in her room. He would try to ensure she swallowed her médecine (poison). Vanya hoped her shaking wasn't visible as she took the pill and placed it in her mouth, under her tongue, She took a sip of the water and faked a swallow. Vanya then took the napkin it once sat on and pretended to sneeze while subtly spitting out the pill and then disposing it into the waste bin. 

 

One pill down but hundreds still to go. That is if she managed to survive that long without being found out, losing control, being neutralized by her siblings or offing herself. The last option becoming more and more appetizing as the voice in her head called for her to let go her already tenuous control.

 

For a long time, Vanya just sat on her bed, trying to think of why she should exist but was coming up empty. At least back when she was originally thirteen, she could dream of a future away from all this. Now she knew acutely how unrealistic hope was now that she had lived that future where there was no happy ending. 

 

Her violin case was sitting on her shelf but even that was soured by what she knew. She was almost afraid that it would be the pale white it was when she last held it. Vanya cracked it open and it was the same warm brown as remembered. She felt just brave enough to run her fingers along its surface, not daring to pick it up just yet. Not when her emotions were this potent and all it would take would be a rhythm  for her to snap and bring all of this to the ground again. 

 

Vanya shut the case after awhile and moved on to her shelf. It was crammed full of borrowed books from Father's library, filled notebooks, music sheets and textbooks. She searched and searched and found her favorite book, a worn copy of Anne of Green Gable. The plucky orphan who felt like a complete outsider who managed to have such wonderful adventures and friendships was a bit of wish fulfillment for her. Reading it was a calming mechanism as she had long memorized most of the lines but the act of rereading her favorite sections was soothing. 

 

She laid splayed across her bed, reading in hopes of maintaining her calm. Vanya was just about to turn to the next page when she could feel the subtle shift in the air. Something in her screamed, "Hide!” So she let her head drop to the mattress and feigned sleep. The tell tale pop of Five’s teleportation followed and she knew that he knew that she was awake. 

 

“Vanya,” Five said, softly.

 

She didn’t reply or bother opening her eyes.

 

He sighed and said, “We were worried you know when you didn’t wake up. Allison didn’t want to leave your side at all until we were all forcefully removed by Father. This morning was the first time that any of us got to see you in two days. Diego asked Mom and she said you had an accident in the bathroom this morning with the mirror. Your powers are acting up aren’t they? We want to help you control them and learn how to use them. No one is going to lock you up again. I promise.” 

 

She remained quiet as she wasn’t sure how to even respond to that. Vanya wanted to believe Five and think that maybe her siblings actually cared for her. But that was years and an apocalypse too late as she was sure that they were just eager to stop her from exploding again. The voice in her head agreed and assured her that a weapon like her was always treated like a threat to be eradicated.

 

Five continued, “If you want to talk later, my door is open just like old times.” With that closing statement, he teleported out of her room. 

 

She let out a sigh in relief as she sat up again. Vanya wanted to disappear from this place. However she knew this time that they would look for her hard. Not like when she was 8 years old and she went missing without a single soul noticing. Despite all the anger, she loved her family and wished the best for them. Vanya needed them but they never needed her. It was a shame but she had known it all along. She had always been: atom bomb, problem child, useless, Unlucky Number Seven. 


End file.
